The first project, and most difficult to finish, was a book for my children. It's title is Reflections From a Mother's Heart. It is my life penned in my own words. I started it in 1995 with the best intentions of completing it but alas the busyness of life put it on hold. It was only after the unexpected death of Stephen that three years later, in 2008, I pulled it out, promising myself I would finish it. Was it easy to write? At times, yes. Other times it was a tear filled experience as I reflected on things that were bittersweet.
Probably the most poignant entry was the words I penned about their dad (in 1995). As I reread my thoughts I was surprised, but not really, that what I said about their dad then I would have not changed some 15 years later. This book is a history of my life--I hope it will be cherished and shared with my grandchildren. Was it for them or for me I am not sure but they will find it under the tree this Christmas.
The second gift is a personalized set of coasters for each of my children. I painstakingly sifted through over 30 years of photos to find the pictures for each that I thought matched the words on the coasters. Such words as live, love, friends, family. Again it was not easy but as I put the last picture in I was excited to offer this small glimpse down memory lane. They too will be under the tree.
Christmastime is hard for me. Not that I don't rejoice in the reason for this season because I am so glad Jesus was born in a manger to be my Lord and Savior. But I can't help but miss the joy that it was for Stephen and I to celebrate with our children. Stephen only got to spend one Christmas with Isaac, our oldest grandson (not counting the time Kadee was in labor with him on Christmas day.) I imagine him in the midst of our now six grandchildren. I know he would be down on the floor playing with them or snuggled up on the couch watching a movie with them. He would have found special time for each one. And they would have loved snuggle time with Poppa. Oh how I miss you Stephen.
But I have learned that life goes on. That all I can do is be the best Bomma in the world to those precious grandbabies God has blessed me with. That I am the parent left to be involved in my children's lives. That I have to be a good listener and someone who is there for them to lean on. I will never be as soft a spot to land on as Stephen was for them. But I love them all very much and I'm trying hard to fill the void left by Stephen's death.
I am shattered by my loss but not defeated. I have found a new normal. I have reenergized myself with a different job. I have remarried and learned to love again. I will survive--like that old song reminds me. I will blaze new trails, experience life with all its ups and downs. And most of all--I will not lose sight of the hope that lies within me because of Jesus.
Did I buy all the right gifts? Probably not. But more than the gifts this season is about family and togetherness. We will all be together, not in the house on Alderbrook where last we were all together with Dad in 2003. But in a rented house, in Oceanside, continuing the legacy of the Wirick Family. Stephen--I know you would be proud!
Merry Chrismas to everyone--thank you Jesus for your gift of love.
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