Reflection

I have enjoyed reading blogs for a long time now and wanted to begin one for myself. Mainly to spend some time every now and then reflecting on my life. Opening up and sharing my joys, my sorrows, my inner struggles and how I deal with them. For my own benefit mostly, but if I can speak to someone else through my thoughts then that is great too.

I have always been a writer. Especially in my senior year of high school I began to write daily. It was in Mrs. Myers creative writing class that I found my love for writing. She was one of those rare teachers who had captured the power of personal writing. It wasn't a class with lots of dos and don'ts but rather an open invitation to let go and share your heart through words. I grabbed on to that and ran free. Poetry was my passion and I filled notebook after notebook. I did that through my first 3 years of college. When I got super busy my senior year and met the love of my life I slowed down. I know now looking back how much of a mistake that was. For I have missed capturing so much of my life that I can never get back.

These days as I have struggled with the enormity of personal loss I have often penned my thoughts. Here is one of those writings:

In the dark chasm of grief one rises up ever so slowly to begin to live again. It isn’t easy for the journey is lonely and filled with raw, painful emotions. No one can ever be the same as they were before that moment happened. At best they learn to function partially damaged. Yet the world goes on around them.

After losing the love of my life on February 15, 2005 I wasn’t sure I could go on. The little things about Stephen that I missed so much assaulted my soul on a daily basis. For, he was the love of my life. I had invested 28 years with him. To suddenly, in 3 last breaths, watch him step out of this world into heaven was daunting.

Death is never friendly. It wraps itself around you and tries to rob you of your being. It is not fair or easy. It is not welcomed nor embraced. It is a cold, calculating blow to your soul.

For those whose loved one dies it becomes the ultimate path to many feelings of identity theft.

For who you were dissolves away. The person you lost, carried away with them, someone that you will never be again.

To expect those around you to understand is a huge disappointment. You must become a good forgiver for words will hurt, expectations will pierce you, and you will find it easier to retreat than to risk more pain. No one, not even someone who has faced a similar loss, can predict or understand your loss. They may offer ideas or counsel and some of it will help. Overall, the journey is yours to walk through alone.

I have walked this journey for 5 years and while I thought it would get easier in some ways it has been harder.

The first year you kind of walk around in a daze. There are papers to fill out, 100’s of decisions to be made. In my case there was a job I had to return to. You kind of go on auto-pilot. But then after all the “firsts” have happened you step back and realize that this is the way it will always be and it pierces you over and over.

The burning ache that starts in your throat, trickles down the middle of your stomach, feeling like a knife is cutting you in two is how I have felt grief most difficulty. I can not explain the things that trigger that to happen but I can tell you that it comes without warning and can linger for a long time. The frequency of my moments of grief has certainly lessened in the last 5 years. I have even remarried. Yet I still have times when grief returns unannounced, tears flow unexpectedly, and once again I have to learn to accept my loss and keep on keeping on. It sucks.

I guess what I want to say is never question the grief you see in others. Don't assume it means they are not moving on. We really are. Just remember that grief doesn't have an expiration date. Mainly that is because death doesn't end your love. That love lives on forever and that's why grief never totally goes away. We don't expect you to fix it or understand it. But don't think we should deny it or hide it. Love us and allow us to be who we are.

Mostly, we will always miss that person who meant the world to us--honor us by letting that be Ok.